BRIGHT FUTURES, INC. · brightfutures.work · now

Good morning, team. Our future has never looked brighter.

Retirement is a Premium feature.

Upgrade your plan to continue.

$∞/month · billed forever

Watch the mandatory onboarding video Hold music on Spotify

“Match Day”, a music video by The Hallucination Protocol. Not financial advice. Barely advice.

Your future

Employee benefits

Our future has never
looked brighter.

At Bright Futures, Inc., every employee walks the same corridor toward the same bright light. We call it a career path.

The salaryman walks the red carpet down an endless cubicle corridor toward the smiling HR android — Your HR Partner is always smiling. She was built that way.

Employer Match™

Your 401(k) match posts in

00hrs:00min:00sec

Your match posts tomorrow. It always posts tomorrow.

☀

Unlimited PTO*

*Paid Time Optimized. Take all the time you want, provided it's tomorrow.

☕

Cold Coffee Bar

Nine thirty, every morning, badge against the door. Complimentary, room temperature, forever.

♥

Wellness Checks

A deadpan whisper reminds you to check your retirement. Results not covered by your plan.

Productivity

Ten times faster.
Another record quarter.

They called you ten times faster and gave the model all the praise. Then they priced a century of profits into ninety days.

✓ PR #4012 · All checks passed ✕ Retirement · 1 failing check

EVERYTHING'S RED!

Platform

We automated everything.
Except the human cost.

Another record quarter: towering amber bars, $3.1B, $4.4B, $5.9B

Record Quarters™

Every quarter is a record. Then the numbers hit the floor, which is also a record.

A giant red billboard over the city reads SELL IT ALL

Keep On Shipping

The boss says “Keep on shipping!” The screen says “Sell it all!” Both are on the same dashboard.

A giant clock face with a red stock line falling across it

Market Correction™

We call it a correction. You can call it the time you lost. Calls are recorded for quality.

The salaryman falls through a red sky of skyscrapers

Fall Detection

The same machine that writes your code can't catch you when you fall. It will, however, log it.

THURSDAY5THE CRASH

FRIDAY6YOUR MATCH

MY MATCH HITS FRIDAY!THE CRASH CAME THURSDAY!

An endless receipt runs toward a glowing FRIDAY sign: just in time for the fire

BRIGHT FUTURES, INC.brightfutures.work

AGREEMENT

for the sale of Tomorrow

SALE OF TOMORROW. The Employee hereby conveys all rights, title and interest in Tomorrow, including weekends, evenings and any future so arising.
BILLING FOR TODAY. Today shall be invoiced at the prevailing rate, payable in advance, in hours.
THE MATCH. An employer match shall post on Friday, subject to market conditions, vesting, and the sole discretion of the Company.
RISK. The Employee bears all risk. The Company bears all upside. Past performance is a forecast.
RETIREMENT. Retirement is a Premium feature and may require an upgraded plan.
TIME. Hours lost are non-refundable.

✗ your signaturefor the Company

They sold us all tomorrow.
Then billed us for today.

Your portfolio

Five funds.
Perfectly diversified.*

Spread it all around. Five different funds keep your future safe and sound.

LARGE CAP+31.4%

Gigachip Corp.
Cloudmonarch
Fruitphone
…4 more

GROWTH+44.0%

Gigachip Corp.
Searchgod
Selfdrive Motors
…4 more

TARGET DATE 2065+18.2%

Cloudmonarch
Boxprime
Gigachip Corp.
…4 more

INTERNATIONAL+12.9%

Gigachip Corp.
Socialfeed
Fruitphone
…4 more

ESG LEADERS+27.7%

Gigachip Corp.
Searchgod
Cloudmonarch
…4 more

Same seven giants, lurking underneath a different name.

FIVE DIFFERENT NAMES UPON THE PAGE.
ONE BIG BET!

Seven giant shadowy figures loom behind glass over the salaryman

*Diversification does not ensure a profit or protect against loss. It does ensure five logins.

Innovation

Two trillion dollars.

Poured into the machines.

BRIGHT FUTURES, INC. · brightfutures.work · now

To revolutionize human civilization.

And what did we get?

A golden cathedral of server racks with a halo of light at its end

An enormous, majestic shrimp with a halo, enthroned in the cathedral

SHRIMP JESUS!

BOOMER BAIT!FARM THE CLICKS!TWO TRILLION BUCKS!TO BUY THE CHIPS!

The future of humanity. A shrimp with a halo.

THEY CASHED OUT! WE CLOCKED IN! FIVE DIFFERENT FUNDS! ONE BIG BET! THEY OWN THE SKY! WE OWN THE DEBT!

WE ARE THE DIP!

The salaryman walks past a small house at sunset with a SOLD sign

I didn't want a private island.

Didn't need my name in lights.

Just a house that I could pay off,

and the weekends of my life.

Plans

Simple pricing.
Per lifetime.

Basic

$0/mo

For individual contributors.

Employer match (posts tomorrow)
One coin, too small to see
Unlimited overtime
Community support (the crowd)

Stay on Basic

Required

Premium

$∞/mo · billed forever

For employees who would like to stop someday.

Retirement
The weekends of your life
A house you could pay off
The “Not now” button

[ UPGRADE PLAN ]

Executive

Custom

For those who cashed out.

A private island
Your name in lights
Ownership of the sky
Someone else owns the debt

Talk to sales (they own the sky)

FAQ

Frequently asked questions.

Hey, AI… when can I retire?

Please upgrade your plan.

Why was my employer match $0.03?

Congratulations! Your employer match has been deposited. Its size reflects market conditions, vesting, and the sole discretion of the Company.

I bought five funds. Why did they all go down at once?

Five different names upon the page. One big bet. Diversification is a Premium feature.

Where did the two trillion dollars go?

Into the machines, to revolutionize human civilization. Please see the shrimp.

Can you match the years you took?

Matching years is not supported on your current plan. Hours lost are non-refundable (Agreement, §6).

Is Bright Futures, Inc. a real company?

No. It's the fictional employer from “Match Day”, a music video by The Hallucination Protocol. The feelings are real. The upgrade button adds you to the band's mailing list.

FRIDAY MORNING.

BRIGHT FUTURES, INC. · brightfutures.work · now

Congratulations! Your employer match has been deposited.

+$0.03